Suicide Sucks

I put these words out there to some online friends the other day.  As if they did not know this already.

But unless someone close to you or close to someone you love has taken their life, I’m not sure you can really know the true depth of it’s suckage.

 

Some good friends here in town gave us a wind chime in honor of Brian’s memory.  Since he was a musician they were extra thoughtful and this one chimes to “middle C”.  It is so very bittersweet to hear it ring out on a windy day, right outside my kitchen window.

Is he there in the breeze, can he hear it too?

It is even solid black – one of his signature colors.

 

There are days that I only think about Brian once and then I put it out of my head.  “It” being what he did.

I’m having a tough time…. only remembering him for that part right now.

It makes my heart ache.

It makes me question, “Why?”

The fact is though, I may never truly know why.  Even if I get to “see” him again someday… he may still keep that secret in his own soul.

 

People ask how I am doing and I am fine.  It’s those that I love that I worry about.  That I wish I could “fix” things for.  That I wish I could wrap in hugs, 24/7.

Of course my husband…

But mostly.   My Mother-in-law.

She lost her son.  Her child.  He’s gone and there’s nothing she can do.

Her heart breaks in a way that I hope to never know.  But who is to say I won’t some day?

This life is guaranteed to no one.  The lives of our loved ones are also out of our hands.

This mother here wants to hold her “babies” now, forever…

 

I don’t mean to be a downer but well, you know, this subject, it’s a downer.

The last few weeks, except for some bright spots, have been a downer.

The thought that my husband has only one brother living now and not the two he should, that’s a downer.

The thought that we can only be with Brian in memories now – downer.

 

The wind chime, although I am thankful for it (so blessed by my friends’ thoughtfulness) is even kind of a downer.

Because I’d much rather have him here than a chime hanging from the side of the house.

 

Stupid suicide.  I hate that you are even a thing.