Still Here.

I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention.    

I regret it now. Hindsight and all that. 

I regret that I didn’t always answer when you called for me, or pay attention to what you were trying to say to me. But sometimes I did. I know I did. Because I helped you tie your shoe and to get that lid off that container. I worked on math problems with you and buttoned the second button on your shirt. I drew your bath each night and made sure you did not put your face under water too long and that you cleaned all the important parts. I helped spread the peanut butter and jelly until you showed me you could do it yourself.

But maybe I didn’t listen when you just wanted to tell me or show me that one thing. I regret it now. 

I took so many photos and videos too, from the time you were born. There are photos of you playing and sleeping, of you wearing your precious cape and of you hugging your favorite stuffy. I took photos while we were enjoying the zoo animals and riding the train that you loved to ride, over and over. I have scads of pictures of you, smiling and enjoying your little boy life. That is what you do with your first born, document every moment and milestone in words and pictures.

And that is what I did. But while I was doing all that, did I miss it? 

Are you getting back at me now by being gone all the time? Maybe you wish I had paid more attention back then and now feel a little retaliation is in order.

Or, are you just being a typical teenager and this time of our life together, of being as close as we once were, is drawing to a close.

And so this is where we are now, with you being on the edge of adulthood. You making many more decisions now for yourself than I make for you. Driving off, working a job, coming home later than I would like. 

Okay, I get that, I do, but please…Please know you can still come to me. You cannot fit in my lap, that is true, but you can sit beside me and we can talk. You can tell me or ask me whatever. 

I am here, listening and paying attention and wishing the years had not passed by so swiftly, holding you not in my arms, but always in my heart, my boy.

Always and forever in my heart. 
I am here.