In which I get depressed about having TOO much food to eat. File under 1st world problems.

This morning I stepped on the scale and the number 165 showed up.

ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIVE POUNDS.

There was no wishing it away or making it change or stepping off and stepping on again and having it be different.

It WAS what it was.

And then I cried.

I cried because at one point I was down to 147.  It may have only lasted a short while but I was able to write this post and so many people were proud of me and gave me “atta girl”s and virtual pats on the back.

And I felt good.  Really, REALLY good.

And now I don’t.

At 147 my stomach didn’t pooch out and my other, smaller-sized shorts fit.

I mean, we’re talking about 18 pounds here people.  EIGHTEEN pounds, I’ve gained back.

UGH.

And of course there is only ME to blame.

Lately my eating has gone from bad to worse and somehow in my head I make up these excuses that it’s okay to eat that chocolate thing and this sugary whatever or that SUPER carb-y JUNK.  A whole bag of popcorn? Sure, WHY NOT!?!?

While on vacation I ate like someone was about to take my plate away any second – or maybe my ice cream cone. Yeah, SO MUCH ice cream while on vacation.  It should be illegal to consume that much in a week’s time.  I kept telling myself “aw, you’re on vacation, eat up!” And it was like there was a little “bad for me food” devil on my left shoulder, telling me vacation calories don’t count.

I don’t have any excuses except that I have not been able to run and well, I’m eating like I am still running 12-20 miles a week.  That’s NOT good.  I am doing other things like Zumba and I have run some in that last week or so but the calories in just DO NOT equal the calories out (night-time snacking anyone? I’m a pro!)

The fact is I just have no willpower lately and I don’t know why… it used to be in full force.  And I look in the mirror and pretend like I don’t see the weight gain.  But I do.  And I’m sure others do too…

I really want to lose at least 10 pounds back because I just feel so much better that way, both physically and mentally.  I hope I can do it. I’m trying not to doubt myself.  And I will be shopping differently at the store and just leaving a lot of things there, including that popcorn.

But sometimes, I just want to know, WHY does this have to be so damn hard?