“I’m Sorry”

I said it too… A few months before my ex husband and I separated, a mother of one of my kids’ friends told me that she and her husband were divorcing. I stood in her living room and said those two or three words – “I’m sorry.”

However, part of me could tell she was not.

Earlier that day, as I brought her daughter back from a play date, the little one basically told me as much when she said, “Mommy is moving to a new house.” Immediately my marriage-in-trouble sensors spiked. I gently asked, “So what about your Daddy?” She quickly responded that he was going to stay in the same house and that she was excited about living in two houses.

During my apology to her mom I recall saying something about how I hate to see a marriage break up.

Of course at the time, I had no idea how, not far in the future, my marriage would implode as well.

 

Once I tell people my situation they often say “I’m sorry” to me. Perhaps sometimes they read my own facial expression, realizing I am not very sorry, since occasionally they follow up with “Or is this a good thing?” (or something close to that).

Sure, I hate this for my kids and I wish things could have turned out differently for my life and for their lives. But I am not sorry.

I am not sorry for the good times we had.

I am MOST definitely not sorry for the three beautiful children that came from the marriage.

I am not sorry for loving him at the times I did.

I am not sorry for trying or for not trying “harder”. (FTR, we both tried pretty damn hard, it just wasn’t meant to be for the long haul…)

I know what people mean when they say those words, and as I said, I’ve spoken them to people in a similar situation before myself. It’s a natural response. Anytime someone we know or care about is in pain of some kind, we usually express it by saying “sorry” in some way.

But I want to say this: don’t just be sorry. If someone is divorcing try not to say that. Instead, ask them how they are feeling or how you can help them get through this – whether it was their decision or the other person’s, they will need support. They will need a soft place to land.

People divorcing do not need pity. They need care.  They need extra kindness without judgement.

They need love, just like anyone else.

And honestly, divorcees go through many of the same stages of grief as someone who has lost a loved one. Like me, I lost a good friend in all of this. We were friends for 20 years, and though we can still get along, it is not the same.

So, for anyone you are close to going through this – bring them meals, pray for them, offer them your expertise in something you know about and they may not know how to do very well. Make sure they are doing self-care and surrounding themselves with others who will do those things for them as well.

Hearts break, but they also mend easier when love is constantly present, in some way.

 

In the meantime, I will do my best never to say “I’m sorry” again when someone tells me they are splitting up or divorcing. Funny how experience changes our perspective, huh?

And for goodness sakes, please don’t assume I am not happy. I AM happy. My life is actually happier. Is there still some tinges of pain? Sure, but I am good. I enjoy life and those I love and those who love me back. I am free from many things that were dragging me down and holding me back from being my true self so yes, I am quite happy.

Don’t be sorry. It will all work out in the end…