Fight or Flight

The warm cup of coffee sits before me and I think about all the things that would taste good with it.  Like a muffin or a scone.  Like a bowl of “cinnamon cereal”.  Just one small bowl.

And then the word “NO” pops into my head.  A HUGE fonted “NO” that screams at me, YOU CANNOT EAT THAT.

Late at night when everyone is asleep but me, and I plop in front of the t.v. to watch HGTV, I think about the bag of cheese puffs or “lightly” sugared popcorn and I know that if I get started I could eat half a bag.  Lately there has been a huge fonted “YES” at that time of the day.  And by lately, I mean for many months.

Bread in the form of an “egg in a basket” breakfast or simply staring at me from a basket on the table at a restaurant, saying, “Take me, I’m yours”.  Bread is so good.

Cookies and desserts.  Ice cream and chocolate, my ultimate weaknesses.

 

And then.  AND THEN.

I step on the scale or I see myself, naked in the mirror.  And I cry.

I cry for the past.  For when I had lost weight and had so much more will power.

All the weight is back.

ALL THE WEIGHT.  And on bad days, even a few more pounds.

I have neither the motivation nor enough “NO”s in my brain to control what has once again happened to my body.

What I have done to it.

I feel the extra weight.  It weighs on me in more ways than one.

I am hurt by it.  I am mad at it.  I am so pissed.

Also, I am pissed at my ankle that continues to hurt and you’re right, the extra weight does not help that either.

I’m pissed that I cannot “eat whatever I want”.

I’m pissed that my DNA isn’t different.

I am pissed that I cannot eat just one cookie.

Yep, totally pissed.

 

This is me right now (okay a few weeks ago).

 

 

You can tell me you think I look great, you can tell me to do something about it, you can tell me that what the scale says doesn’t matter, as long as I am exercising and healthy, blah, blah, blah.

I get all that, I do.

I am not saying any of those things are wrong, I’m just tired of hearing them.

 

And everything I hear in my head, on a daily basis cancels ALL of that out.

 

And I don’t need anyone to fix this but me.

But that’s the hard part, I fight in my head EVERY DAY to know that I am fine, that I do eat fairly healthy and I DO keep moving but still…

It’s there.  That stupid number that makes me feel FAT.

The stupid mirror is there to make me feel worse.

 

So, why do I share this here?  Because I have to get it out of my head.  I have to let it free.  I have to stop having the same conversation with myself over and over again.

 

And I thought of something today.  I have to stop.  The only way to fix this is to choose flight instead of fight.  I have to stop fighting the voices in my head and fly over them instead.  And I must accept who I am or do something about it.  Those are my two choices.

So I’ve decided that I am going to do a little bit of both.  Accept myself when I do fail and believe in myself enough to make a change.

I can do this right?

I hope so.  I think I have to.

 

Linking up with Pour Your Heart Out.