People get married and have kids, that’s what they do. If you’re me anyway. Of course there are many people who do not follow that path, but for me it was a “given”. I planned to do those things from a young age, be a wife and mother.
In between those dreams I imagined being all kinds of other things or people too. Such as Madonna or a famous fashion designer. I loved to sing and I loved clothing and accessories. When I went to college I still did those things in a way, participating in a woman’s chorus and majoring in Fashion Merchandising (not design).
Then I sort of did it, I moved into the home decor industry and worked my way up a bit in one department of a fairly well known furniture company. And when I say “worked my way up”, I just mean from office worker to something that had a real name, “buyer”.
During that time I made the other dreams happen too. I married and became a mother. Once I left the work force, after G was born, I still wasn’t quite sure what I really wanted but Tim and I agreed it was financially okay for me to stay home. However, I suppose I felt less valued. I relished the adult interaction at my job and that was no longer. Plus, I enjoyed working, feeling needed in that type of environment. And although I was glad to be home with my little boys, I also felt stunted and less “useful”. I was torn between the life I had before and the one I was living.
Honestly, I have never been completely satisfied with my role since I quit working. I love my children dearly but “stay at home mom” is a role that never completely fulfilled me. They’ve all gone to some type of pre-school program (or daycare) since they were babies. I always needed that time to myself. Perhaps some would call me selfish and say I am not willing to sacrifice enough for my children, that this stage of life is short in comparison, and that I should have given my kids my ALL, all the time. Others will say they completely understand my position, my feelings, because they have been there too. Each of us is different in our mothering and what we can handle and in what we want. We just are. No one can completely understand my viewpoint, just like I cannot completely understand someone else’s, because we are not each other. We are only us.
Big life changes bring about the examination of many things. The past, the present and of course, the future. They make us think about what we really want out of this life and the time we have left here on earth. They make us take a long, hard look at ourselves and where we’ve been and where we are now and most certainly, where we want to go.
Up until now I do not believe I have really examined what I want out of my life. I think I’ve mostly been going through the motions, doing what I thought was expected of me and doing my best to be someone others thought I should be instead of my “best” me.
Well, that is changing now. Tim and I are separated and divorcing and I will no longer be “Tim’s wife”. I will be a “single mother”. I will be a “divorced Catholic”. But in the end, I am still me, “Elaine – dreamer, prayer, lover of life.”
That last label is the one that means the most to me. It is truly who I am, if it can be encompassed in so few words anyway. I dream of a better, happier life, for me and my children. I pray that we can overcome the heartache that surrounds divorce and the breaking foundation of a family. I know that I will continue to love this life because of who I am and the fact that I have so much to be thankful for. Yes, no matter what, and even through all of this, I am truly blessed.
So here I am, really examining my life for the first time. Where will it go? What will I choose? How do I want the rest of my story to go? The possibilities are pretty amazing actually. I choose to see this as a new beginning instead of an end. I will do all I can to move forward in the most positive way I know how. I will not be held back by negativity or what others think.
Am I sad? Of course! I never ever would have thought this is how my life would play out. I married to stay married. But sometimes, our plans aren’t the ones we get to follow…
And now the only plans I have are to live my life for God and myself and my kids, who all need me to be the best version of myself.
My favorite quote right now…
“Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place“. – Casting Crowns
And my theme song right now…
p.s. Please know that we are all okay through this… Tim and I are amicable and the kids are doing pretty well despite the heartache. Your love and support is always appreciated.
You’re amazing and I love you. Thank you for sharing yourself with us this way. You have so many people standing by you, cheering you on, supporting you and belting out the lyrics to “Fight Song”. I truly believe for you, the best is yet to come. xoxoxo
Tonya recently posted…The Last Email
Thank you Tonya, your words and friendship mean so much to me. Truly. XOXO
I love you, my friend, and thank you for sharing your heart like this. You are going to find that “self” again, even if it means different things at different times. xoxo
Angela recently posted…Sharing a story with VProud
I have to believe you are right, Angela. It’s partly what keeps me going. Thank you, dear… <3
I love your label. It encompasses everything that matters. You can do anything and I can’t wait to see things “fall into place” for you.
Thank you Kate, your belief in me helps tremendously! <3
So sorry you are going through this, but I applaud your positive attitude.
Lisa @ The Golden Spoons recently posted…Hanging on by a Thread
Thank you very much, Lisa. 🙂
I love you. You’re amazing. xoxo
Alison recently posted…Table Manners? What Table Manners?
Love you! Love your theme song and the one you had last year (Brave) – you are a brave fighter, and you will be ok. xox
Kerstin recently posted…tools for better Coaching ABC – Part 2
Thank you, my friend. I am trying to be brave still. It’s hard some days but the support from you and everyone helps so much! <3
That final quote is so perfect about falling into place. I’m sure it’s a relief to be writing about where things are at and hopefully this space will continue to allow you exploration and honesty. I am grateful for your words here.
Nina recently posted…Do Listen Read: January 2016
It is a bit of a relief but still hard to believe it is reality sometimes… thank you.
Love you, Elaine. I can’t wait to see what amazing things come your way from here on out.
Greta recently posted…Keeping Women and Babies Healthier By Nature #giveaway
I love that quote and that song – and you!
You are brave and beautiful and it’s going to be GREAT.
Jennie Goutet recently posted…Home, Garden, and Me
I’m so sorry Elaine. Divorce is heartbreaking. I pray that God will lead you down some amazing new paths and that you will become that much stronger.
Debbie recently posted…The White Front Porch
It is Debbie, absolutely heartbreaking. Never, EVER thought it would be a part of my life. 🙁 I appreciate any and all prayers, thank you.
I hear you. I see you. I love you.
So glad you have now had the great exhale and shared your heart … proud of you xxxx
I love you. Lots.
“and lover of life” — that’s what we all should aim to be. It’s what I want. I didn’t love life before and i do now. I hope the same for you. Much love, my dear.
I’m so glad to hear that. I love it no matter what. I just hope to love it more once this hardest part is over… xo
It took me a while to comment. I still don’t know if I know what to say. But. I’m proud of you. I so much want this to be more of a beginning than an end too. You have so much love and support behind you cheering you on. I hope you know that! xo
Laura recently posted…Last First Cake {a Giveaway}
I do know that, thank you dear. I don’t know what to say sometimes either.
xo
<3
I am so happy to hear you are all doing well and that you and Tim are amicable. That is the only way to do divorce if you have to do divorce IMHO. And it’s got to be hard. Hat’s off to you both!
I hope you are able to figure out what you want to do now that you are beginning a new chapter. I can relate a bit to not being completely fulfilled staying home. I had to start working from home to be fulfilled so I get it. You have so much to give the world, go forth and be the amazing woman you are!
xoxox
Kami recently posted…The Photos of Christmas Past
Wish I did not have to do divorce, but I do so… yes, hopefully we can keep things this way for the sake of our kids.
Thank you for your friendship, Kami.
xo
Love that quote, the song, and you.
I know that life can throw us off of our plans sometimes, but new ones can be made. I know you are going to come through this stronger than ever. <3
Kim recently posted…Ti’Hangry – Not a Lesson in Klingon
Yes, new ones… that are kind of scary. ;-/ But I am doing my best to make them less so.
Thank you for your positive support, Kim.
xo
Thinking of you and your family. I love your positive outlook in the hardest of situations.
Julia recently posted…6 More People on Social Media When it Snows
Than you dear. I’m trying to stay positive. Easier some days than others. xo
That quote is so magically perfect. I can’t wait to see where you land, friend. Know that I am here, with so many others, to help it be a soft one.
Oh doll, that means SO much to me. Love you!
Hugs and more hugs. xx
I’ve missed seeing you around Elaine.
I’m sad to hear about your divorce but happy to see you putting yourself first.
I, too, never felt completely content as a SAHM. I remember my my mom telling me back in 2005 she didn’t see me being happy being home all the time, that she thought I *needed* to work. I was offended at the time, but she was right. I’ve become more fulfilled personally since I started working part time 3 years ago.
Also, marriage is hard and is way more than FB ever shows. Anthony and I have been in marriage counseling for 17 months. Interestingly enough, I couldn’t even bear to share that piece of information with ANYONE for the longest time, like I was embarrassed or ashamed or something. I finally told a few friends, my running partner, and a few co-workers but still haven’t announced it to the whole world : ). My co-worker put it best- he said “you’re fighting for your marriage and your family” (and yes, I promptly burst into tears when he said that) and he’s right.
Best of luck, don’t be a stranger and big hugs all around!
It’s funny, Tim has said that to me, in a round about way too… about “needing” to work.
Marriage is crazy hard and even harder when you marry someone that is SO very different, fundamentally, than you are (as I did).
I pray you and Anthony can fight the good fight and come out united. I believe ALL couples can benefit from counseling, no matter how “happy” they are!
XOXO
Your honesty here is so brave and….hopeful.
Truly.
There is so much strength in you already and more to discover.
We’re here for you while you do.
julie gardner recently posted…A Modest (Writing) Proposal
Thank you Julie, that means a lot to me. xo
You are an amazing woman! You have shared and helped so many others, you always bring light and good in the things you share. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no doubt it will be really hard and really suck at times, but I also know you will come out stronger and a better more compassionate person than you already are. I will keep you in my prayers.
How many times can I say thank you? Truly. From the bottom of my heart, THANK. YOU.
XOXO
Elaine, you write so beautifully on such a tough subject. What you write about being a stay-at-home mom not quite sitting right with you really resonates with me. I get so many strange looks when I tell people that the 3 year old is still in daycare 3 days a week. I know even the most amicable of divorces are still painful for everyone involved. You seem to have a wonderful attitude about it, and I hope that you have more than enough support to get through it. It may take quite some time, but I think you’ve got the right attitude and I can’t wait to see how everything falls into place for you. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
Leslie recently posted…Oh What a Blizzard, Oh What a Week
Leslie, you’re so sweet. Thank you for sharing that you get it, sometimes I feel judged about that… but we all do about something, I guess.
And yes, it’s all still quite painful, but in the end, the right thing.
Thank you for your prayers and thoughts… so much!
xo
Life gets in the way when we are making plans. Well at least that’s how my life has been. Sending you BIG HUGS and Prayers!! Regardless of an amicable divorce or not, losing a part of your life is sad. Take the good, forget any bad, and relish in the present. Take the time to heal while focusing on your future!! I’d love to hang out when I’m in your neck of the woods. xoxo DG
Oh yes, super sad. For sure. I never thought my life would “go” this way.
I’d love to hang out too, let me know when you’re in town!!
MWAH!
OH Elaine!! I had no idea! Oh, friend… I am so so sorry you have to go through this heartbreak. I will be praying for you to draw strength, peace, and HOPE from the God of them all.
Thank you, Chris. So much.
I’m just now reading. But all of that at the top? Me to a T!. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. And, I won’t be happy not contributing or “hustling” in some way.
I’m sorry to hear about all of the changes and I know there will be rough times ahead, but there will be new, too!
Thanks for commiserating on that… I like to hustle as well. 😉
And thank you for your words of encouragement, my friend.
Sending you so much love. Your ability to share so eloquently and graceful is always on display, but especially here. xoxo
Aw, thank you so much Ashley!
XO
So much love to you, sweetheart. You have a heart of gold, and you’re beautiful from the inside out. I can’t wait to see you in Austin again soon so I can give you more hugs! Don’t lose faith in love… when the time is right for you, it will come back around again. But in the meantime, you will be figuring out your new life and adjusting, and these first months are really hard. I’m here for you to lean on. xo
I know you are, you are one of the wonderful friends I speak of… Thank you so much of your love and support my dear! LOVE YOU!!
Elaine…I am also a single mom, a divorced Catholic (though I prefer lower case catholic these days), and hoo boy do I understand how it feels to wonder if I’ve ever truly examined my life, my choices, my reality. Here’s the thing about transitions like this, at least from my perspective: every circumstance gives us that chance anew. Even the suckiest of circumstances–sometimes especially those–are the most forgiving of all because they don’t give a flip if you’ve ignored other chances in the past or been ambivalent in the past or were too freakin’ scared to move in the past. Or even now. They just open and wait for you, for when you’re ready.
Sending you love and good juju and, yes, prayers that you find your sweet spot. xoxo
Thank you so very much for your perspective and words, Lisa. I do love the idea of starting fresh, that part is promising and I am already working on that in some ways.
I will take all the good juju and prayers you’ve got!! 🙂
xo
Never doubt for one moment how loved you are, respected and admired. For you, even in the midst of heartbreak and loss, have found yourself
You have risen and grown already so much so that I know your journey from here will be one of truth and success.
I love you inside and out, I applaud your brave, I sir in awe as you soar.
Xo
I’m so very sorry to read this. May God draw you close and comfort your hearts as each of you adjust to this new normal. I know God is a God who can restore joy and bring beauty from chaos.
Elaine, I am perpetually behind on blog reading, but have had yours flagged to come check out your redesign. I’m just catching up on posts and seeing all that’s going on in your life. Sending you love, light, and prayers. I’m so sorry I didn’t know this sooner. If it’s such a thing, my prayers are retroactively covering you through this whole period of time!!