We pulled into the garage and the kids jumped out of the car, full of sugar and vim and vigor. Tim went in with them as I switched to the driver’s seat and pulled right back out to make a quick run to the grocery store for some essentials for lunches and such.
I felt the weight of the weekend, so full of things done and rushing here and going there and crying children and time gone by so quickly.
I also felt the silence in the car. It was quieter than quiet and for a moment I relished in it.
So much noise in my life.
I feel like my life is full of noise, SO VERY MUCH noise.
My children make noise (K cries A LOT these days) and the t.v. makes noise and the microwave makes noise and the toys make noise and my phone makes noise… You get it.
And my heart, lately – it too is just so full of noise.
Yet, I don’t really hear anything.
It’s like when I go to eat a “treat” and I’m attempting to savor the last bite and in a moment I realize, I hardly even tasted it at all. Where did it go?
I wonder this about other things in my life too…
Where did the time or the money or my energy go?
I feel a bit defeated lately, I have to say. I want this to be a season of joy and love and magic for my children but for some reason this year I just feel rushed and even a bit sad. I’m not finding that joy and I know this is NOT the way it’s supposed to be.
My kids frankly, have not been very good as of late, even though “Elfie” is watching over them, and in turn I have not been the best mother. Or even a good one.
These days I sort of feel like I am just barely getting by at this mother and wife and life thing.
My brain and my house and my heart just all seem so cluttered and yes, I’ll say it again. NOISY.
I think the new year that is around the corner is going to have to bring some clarity and quiet in my life.
It just has to.
*I am extremely happy and in love with my life and my husband & children but I am only human and sometimes the feelings overwhelm me. But I’m fine. It just felt good to write it out…
Oh Elaine, I can totally relate. I’m feeling overwhelmed of late (terrible twos is kicking my ass). It’s okay to feel less than stellar once in a while. And yes, there’s the new year to look forward to.
Much love to you.
I think it happens to the best of us. The important thing is to just hang in there and know that it will get better.
I’m so very glad that you wrote it all out. And yes, that quiet. i strive for it, too. xo
I SO know. Oh, how I know! I am sorry you have been experiencing the noise but I hoped he writing part has helped, hugs to you. You are absolutely not alone!
This is such lovely writing! I think that melancholy and need for quiet might be part of the season, the soul’s preparation to turn in, to hibernate for the winter. I hope you’re able to silence some of the noise, at least for a little while, to catch a breath of peace.
It is hard lately. And I feel so much better after just letting it out.
Steph
I could have written this post!! So understand completely. Hope the “noise” dies down for the both of us.
no need for the disclaimer. I get it.
my life is all about the noise and quite frankly, a lot of misery right now and i just want it to get quiet for just one second so I can breathe…and find a home, and a car, and a new life….
I can relate. The noise. Sometimes it is so overwhelming.
Oh I so know what you mean about the noise. Literal noise and the figurative noise in my heart and mind. Hugs to you, friend. And if you figure out how to quiet the figurative noise, please let me know your secret.
These words are such a mirror of my life lately that I could have written it. I crave the quiet, the still, the simple. I crave a moment where the baby doesn’t scream and beg for a paci that I’m trying not to give her or will just.eat.a.damn.vegetable already. Hugs to you friend! I am thankful today that your words encouraged me and made me feel less alone in this crazy life!
I”m so glad you wrote this all out. Love you sweet friend. xo
I totally identify with this.
Oh, I totally hear you on this one.
We have been having similiar kind of day around here… the backtalking and all out uncooperativeness of the 10 yo is getting to both Jay and I…and we yell….
and feel like crap because his behaviour likely has something to do with us…
sigh.
I guess what I am saying in a very long winded way is…me too.
Here’s to a better 2012!
Silence is truly golden! I think this is why I savor my mornings, before anyone else is up. The noise is empty and my head and heart can think.
I know exactly what you mean! Perfectly written, my friend!
I had a “just write it out” night last night too. Sometimes you have to do it.
And sometimes, life is just too, too much.
I feel this way a lot. I’m pretty sure I need to quit the internet for a while, but I’m too chicken. Also, sometimes I think we can be too inspired or challenged, if you know what I mean. Like, it is great to want to try to do better at something, but if it is making you beat yourself up or feel less than, maybe it is time to turn some stuff off for a while. But again, I’m too chicken.
I think every one of us feel this at some time or another. And it does come with the season too because there just seems to be so many expectations attached to it. We want it to be SO GOOD and that in itself creates problems.
I relate to all of this post. Grace has definitely been acting 2 and does cry a ton. And whine. And complain. And demand. The boys have been off the charts crazy and driving me nuts. Todd is a grumpy turd. And I’m a naggy hag. ‘Tis the season, fa la la la la…
I even relate to the little disclaimer you put at the end there. Love that we can’t just vent without worrying if someone will think we are ungrateful or something. I probably would have put the same disclaimer on though I don’t think anyone would doubt for a second your love for your family and your life.
I’ve decided to lower my expectations. It seems to have helped a bit.
Hang in there! This too shall pass!
I hear you. This time of year always gets hectic and too on-the-go for me.
Most of the time, I have to make a conscious effort to keep life quiet.
It’s not always easy though.
I so get this. Sometimes when I get to work I just sit and let the silence press in on me until my heart can’t take being alone with itself anymore.
I think this young stage of childhood is the most chaotic. Arielle is so loud and so is her 4yo brother. I think sometimes that I would like to stay at home with the kids and then I realize over a long weekend or a vacation that is is WAYYYYY harder than going to work. It is totally normal to feel like that. We, as mothers, give up so much of ourselves for our family. It is not too much to ask for a little quiet in our lives.
I agree with Kameron. This stage of childhood is just crazy chaotic. I know people hate hearing that “it gets better”, but it really does. I still have days where I ask my younges, who is 8 to just hush so I can think. She even gets it and is not offended. Hang in there and have a blast in NYC!
I’m withya Mama. It’s noisy round here too… and then when it’s not I can’t seem to enjoy that either. Deep breaths, a good run, and a good glass of wine help me. You’re not alone.