I found some dust on my new granite counter tops after the cleaning lady left the other day. I was so upset. What do I pay that woman for? To leave dust? I think not. And then the landscaper forgot to even up one of the hedges out front. I wanted to scream. Some may say I’m a perfectionist but it’s simply that I like things “just so” and done the right way. My way. There’s nothing wrong with that. I would fire them but it’s such a hassle to find someone new.
They don’t know what kind of house I grew up in. How the smell of mold and mildew lingered in the air. How my mother rarely washed our sheets and I was so glad when I learned how to do it myself. I was tired of waking up with red splotches on my skin. And what about the gobs of dog and cat hair that was always everywhere? She yelled at me if I ever complained about how much my eyes watered and itched. She loved those damn animals more than us.
I ran 10 miles this morning and my left knee started to bother me a little bit. Otherwise I probably would have a gone longer. I did it pretty fast though so that was good. My neighbor friend won’t run with me because she says I’m too fast for her. I have to run fast. I have to stay thin.
My mother barely made it up the stairs in our house most days. She laid on the sofa a lot watching the television and eating and eating. I was so happy to go to school once I was old enough. I wanted to play soccer but she was too lazy to even take me to practice. I played after school some days with some of the other kids. It felt so good to run and score a goal. There were days that she was asleep when I got home and she didn’t even know I’d walked in. I was glad.
I need to prepare today’s lessons for the boys and then they have art class this afternoon. Thankfully I can run errands for the birthday party. I hope the baker makes the cake exactly as I asked. I would hate to have to complain. Again. And I need to take my blouse to the cleaners and run the Range Rover through the car wash. I can’t stand the green pollen that has collected all over my hood and windshield.
The dust in the house was inches thick unless I picked up a rag and ran it across the furniture. I learned to maneuver a vacuum pretty early in life. I also had dishpan hands by the time I was 10. I ate a lot of peanut butter sandwiches and macaroni and cheese.
I hope the organic fruit I bought at the market yesterday stays good for the party. And Jack better not fight me on what he’s going to wear for the celebration. The boys have to match and look perfect.
I didn’t go to her funeral. I had just arrived in Paris on the trip of a lifetime with some of my best friends. It was my senior year of college. I didn’t want to leave. Dad managed to get in touch with me and said she died in her sleep. He and my step mom were unsure of when. A neighbor had found her. In a way I needed to thank her for making me who I am. Because I never wanted to be like her. It’s too bad I didn’t get to tell her.
Is there someone who drives you crazy?
Someone who really gets under your skin.
It doesn’t have to be someone you know…
Now, write a first-person piece – as if YOU are this individual. Write from his or her perspective and include the things that really bother you.
This is FICTION and not based on anyone I know. Perhaps “inspired by” someone though…
This is interesting. I like how you told about the parts you didn’t like about the person, but then explained why the person was that way. It was a good read and a reminder to never judge a book by the cover.
Well written. I can relate on many levels. I think we are who we are – good or bad, because of our parents. Most specifically our mothers.
I really enjoyed the contrast of Then versus Now, it certainly shed some light on what would otherwise be a very unsympathetic character.
I think the piece might have been slightly stronger if you’d taken a more “show” approach, as opposed to “telling” by having a conversation with the reader about the events. An example:
“The dust in the house was inches thick unless I picked up a rag and ran it across the furniture. I learned to maneuver a vacuum pretty early in life.”
This could be reworded to: “I swiped the rag across the threadbare couch, the cloth cutting into the layer of dust coating every surface. The thick clumps fell to floor, certain to stay there until I vacuumed them – already an expert before first grade.
I know it’s a stylistic thing, just a possible suggestion.
I love the description here:
“They don’t know what kind of house I grew up in. How the smell of mold and mildew lingered in the air. How my mother rarely washed our sheets and I was so glad when I learned how to do it myself.” – This paints a good image of what life was like for her at that time.
From Kelly K at Writing with Chaos (blogger wouldn’t let me post from that profile).
My favorite thing about this excellent piece was how you went back and forth between the present and the past. It was snazzy and it worked. Love your descrptions!
You are such an incredible writer my friend. I like the way to did this!
I liked this a lot. It’s easy to write caricatures, but you went to the next level and gave her a back story and some dignity and motivation for her actions.
I, too, loved the vivid description of the sheets. Ugh. I could smell it.
I adored Kelly’s outstanding comment and agree.
Also, this could so easily be an extended flashback, perhaps of her own birthday celebrations…probably making her own pot of mac and cheese while mom snoozes. Oh, how heartbreaking!
Perfection.
I’m going to ditto everyone on the way you toggled back and forth through time. It really helped to detail every instance from her past that were the reasons for her current behaviors/thoughts.
Loved it! And I felt so badly for the poor girl!!
Excellent job. While I read it, I totally had a movie of it running in my head, with the parts about her past as a voiceover while she fixes whatever is “wrong” that she’s talking about.
The mention of the pollen made me giggle, because that is TOTALLY a pet peeve of mine!
I really enjoyed this!
I really like the contrast between her child self and her grown up self. You did a wonderful job of showing the reader why she was a perfectionist. Great job!
I agree with Stacey, that I could see a conversation going with the flashbacks from childhood and the current inside dialogue. You just never know what makes people the way they are!
This was interesting and well written. I found myself liking the child her and really not liking the adult her which created an emotional conflict for me. I certainly admire her survival skills, and even understood why that’s a funeral she would opt out on.
I liked the then and now too and I was surprised by her motivation – wanting what she didn’t have growing up. It’s interesting to me the effects our parents have on us. Great writing.
I liked this a lot. You really explained her motivation, which was a challenge.
By the end of the piece, I sympathized with her.
I thought the back and forth was very effective.
I really liked how you went back and forth between her obsessive personality and her relationship with her mother. The tedium compared to the larger story. And the ending worked perfectly. Sad and final.
As a neat, crazy organized control freak, I can tell you this much: homes like that either produce the same kind of children, or people like your character & me. 🙂 But my house wasn’t *that* bad and I’m not such a psycho. Lol
Wow. This was great. I really liked the back and forth between the present and the past. It showed the reason behind her behavior is a very stark way.