The Miss Elaine-ous Life

random acts of life, family and photos

Feeling it All

by

I haven’t rearranged the furniture. I haven’t started making the bed.

The coffee maker sits in the same place on the counter.  The t.v. turns on the same way.

Their clothes still hang in the closet. Their toys still litter the floor.

 

But things are missing now. There is less laundry, fewer groceries to buy.

Their bodies do not occupy their childhood beds every night.

Their absence makes my heart grow lonelier.

 

People say to trust our gut. My gut has been ripped wide open so many times in the last few years.

My mind and heart tried to betray it over and over it…

But that was ridiculous because neither could complete the task.

 

And now, on the days that are important, when I am not with them, it’s like a stabbing has occurred.

Or someone punched me, right where it hurts.  Right in that open, wounded gut.

And the pain barely subsides.

 

I want to fly, I want to break free of these feelings that cause me to curl up and cry.

I want to soar through the wind with a lightness like I haven’t known in so long.

I want to feel my shoulders down instead of always up, tense.

 

I need to trust and believe and know.

But I don’t, but I do, but I don’t.

This constant pulling and tugging, like a rubber band, that may eventually snap.

 

I look at them and know there is a reason.

I hear them and realize how fast they are growing, always.

I feel for them as they navigate all of this from a different place than myself.

I want to protect them from all the pain.

 

But I cannot do that, no matter how hard I try.

I will lead them as we trudge through the muck together.

And when we are apart I will cleanse myself of the old and look forward to the new,

until we can all do it.

 

And every moment of every day I will feel it all because that is what I do.

That is who I am.

And I am done denying it.

 

Another Chance

 

 

 

Comments

  1. Big hugs to you. It’s so hard to be the strong and apparently fearless leader at moments like this–but, as you’ve said, it’s what we do. There is an end to the muck. You’ll make it there. Just keep pushing forward.

  2. Speaking as a (grown-up) child with divorced parents, it’s so much better to let them see you feel it and deal with it rather than packing it all away. I’m so sorry you’re hurting though.
    Meryl recently posted…The Kid’s Art SaleMy Profile

  5. And this is why I’m so proud of you for embracing so many things that are *you* as a woman…not a mother, not as a former wife, not as a sister, daughter, etc. Embrace the things that *you* love…because I believe there will always be a hole. It’s just one you find peace with. Love to you, my sweet friend.

    Any you know what? Rearrange the damn furniture. Make it different and YOURS. 🙂

  6. So hard, Elaine. I’m so sorry you have to get through this time, but I have faith that you will make it intact and wiser. Sending hugs to all of you.

  7. Oh this is so hard. I am glad you can write your way through it? Into it? Out of it? May you feel peace as you make it your way, period. Love to you!

    Steph

  8. Sometimes we have to sit in the dark till we can see. Leave the furniture till you’re ready. You’ll know. Just fuhgetabowtit and one day you’ll be walking into the kitchen to fix you a glass of ice tea, look over at the living room and put your glass down…then madly you’ll start shoving and pushing the damn couch and chairs where they fit better. Time. Is. Your. Friend. ♡♡♡

  12. I hope you find peace thru all of this and that writing out your feelings helps process it all. (((hug)))

  14. Oh you, this is beautiful and do tremendously sad. I’m sorry for all the pain and missing you are experiencing right now. I’m sending you love and patience and strength. Thank you for sharing your heart in this bold way. xoxo

  15. This is so heartwrenchingly raw and honest and beautiful and brave. It is amazing what the heart can endure and still keep on beating. But it does. And it comes out on the other side. And yes, every moment is another chance. I am praying for a deep and overwhelming peace and strength to wrap itself around you.
    Kat recently posted…Two Weekend ReviewMy Profile

  17. Sending love. I still feel this way when my daughter is at her dad’s house instead of here – after almost 8 years. But it does get easier, and through it all comes strength. xo

  18. My heart goes out to you as you transition through this difficult time. Be sure to take care of you… sometime s in the process that is hard to do. Hang in there!

  20. Thank you for sharing this. I know the feeling all too well. Love and hugs to you.