Choices

Last weekend I told Brandon I have decided to bow out of the church choir for a little while. The realization of my children only having a fairly short amount of time where they will sit in the same church pew with me every weekend, recently hit me like a brick. I think it hit so hard since one of my kids already has one foot out the door. It is very weird to think about how, in 6-7 years they will no longer be under my spiritual guidance.

Therefore, I decided I need to take some time to sit with my family every Sunday and I cannot do so while singing in the choir. I love to sing. I am proud that I can use my talent to inspire and even minister to others. I have been singing in my church choir off and on since I was 14 years old. However, I can no longer deny the quick passage of time. I have many years of using my vocal cords to praise God and I know my children have seen that in a positive way. But now, during this season, I need to inspire them by sitting next to them and praying with them.

Today, I sat with my husband and my two children who came to mass with us. At the end of the mass the woman who was leading the music today sang a beautiful song called “If You Want Me To.” I had never heard it before and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing as she gorgeously put the lyrics out into the ether of the church air. It was as if God himself was talking to me through her words and notes.

I will leave the lyrics here:

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reasons why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No, I’m not who I was when I took my first step
And I’m clingin’ to the promise You’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone
Yeah-yeah

So when the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my
Cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

‘Cause when I cross over Jordan
Gonna sing and I’m gonna shout
I’m gonna look into Your eyes
And see You never let me down
So take me on the pathway
That leads me home to You
And I will walk through the valley
If You want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley
If You want me to

Because I was not familiar with the song, I texted our church accompanist to ask her what the song was and she quickly responded. I listened to it again as Ginny Owens sang the song to me through my phone. And I cried once again. These words particularly got to me,

“It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone“

The entire song made me think of the trials I have been through in the last 6 years (not as many in the last few years) and how much pain I was in when I first split from my ex husband. Because even though the pain subsides, it doesn’t necessarily ever “go away”. A divorce is similar to a death, even though the other person continues to live. There is still a continuing grieving process. There is always a loss of some sort.

No one gets married to get divorced and I never would have chosen it. However, it was necessary for my life to continue on a better path, and even for my relationship with God to flourish. That may sound incorrect to some, but I have never felt as close with Him as I did those many months after the ex husband first left. God held me when I cried and raged. He held me when I first had to be alone without my kids, in the silence of the nights alone.

I don’t think about my divorce very much anymore. I am remarried and our blended family has found a new rhythm and balance. It’s not perfect, but no family is. My new marriage is healthy and honest, it doesn’t harbor resentment or shame. Do my husband and I argue sometimes? Yep. But we always come back to a place of forgiveness and love. Neither of us HAS to be right. We learn from each other and move on.

My prayer is that I never have to suffer that type of heartache again. I am faithful and hopeful enough to believe I will not. I was older and more discerning when I met Brandon. Every day we both choose to stay and that is what matters most.

I also know Brandon could choose to leave any day. I don’t think he will. He has told me he will stay forever and I believe him. But if for some reason he were to do so, I know I still would not be alone. God said to me, “I’d never go alone” and I believe Him above all else.

We all make choices every day, like which pair of shoes to wear or what to have for dinner. The bigger choices, especially those regarding my family, are made after much prayerful thought and loving guidance from our Lord. I could not go it alone even in the every day. He is my Rock and I put all my trust in Him. I know other trials will come up in my life, but I also know He will be by my side through anything. And when it happens I will “walk this valley if You want me to.”

Amen.