We sat together, waiting on the long bench in the cold corridor. One woman walked by and asked him a question that he quickly answered. I thought about how I liked her coat. It was sort of like a cape, but with sleeves. I felt comfortable there, next to him, yet truly uncomfortable for being in that moment and for all the reasons I have gone over and over in my head. I looked around and smelled the essence of so many people who had walked those same halls and glanced over and over at the flecked quartz floor – the kind you see it all sorts of old, public buildings. The tired fluorescent lights bothered me as they buzzed above.
My nervousness showed as I sat, biting the inside of my lip. This was not a situation I had ever been in before, or one I ever expected to be part of my story. I stared at my suede booties and listened to him as we chatted, trying to distract me.
At one point he told me I would make a good lawyer. I laughed. “That is so not true,” I said. “Sure it is”, he said. “You’ve got more qualifications than most of the ones I know. You are prompt, well spoken and you know your way around a computer. That’s better than 85% of the lawyers I deal with.”
For a moment I saw his point. And I felt inspired that he could believe in me, knowing so little about me. Why couldn’t I believe that I could be a good lawyer too? Why would I think it was not still possible to aspire to something like that if I really wanted to?
An why is it so hard for us to believe in ourselves sometimes? Do I think that the kid over there who is creating his latest piece of art from crayons and plain white paper doesn’t believe in what he is creating? I can guarantee you that 99% of the time he thinks that is the best damn picture ever.
I want to believe in my picture. I want to believe in myself in all things. I NEED to do that now.
I need to believe that I can figure out how to work the damn television (and all the shit that goes with it) for gosh sakes.
So, if I can start there and work my way up at this being single thing, this “without a man” thing, then I bet I can realize my full potential as an individual.
I think part of what happened to me was that my tank was emptied over time. Some important people in my life did not believe in my potential and so I had a leak, that got bigger and bigger until the tank was almost completely empty. Those people did not see who or what I could be. They simply saw what I was not and focused on that. And they made me waiver against myself, which is wrong is so many ways.
I am ready to fill my tank back up (and no, not just with chocolate and wine) with self assurance and confidence. I believe I can be who I was made to be, as well as who others, who want me to succeed, know I can be.
It may take more time to fill it back up than I want, and there may be some mini leaks along the way that I have to fix again, but that is alright.
I am learning every day who I am and what I believe and that belief in myself is paramount. Admittedly it is hard to do that when you are depending on someone else for your own happiness. I refuse to live my life that way anymore. My children need to see that happiness comes from within.
I vow to BElieve in me for them, for all those who do believe in me and for myself.
Linking up with MamaKat – from this prompt – Write a blog post inspired by the word: full.
I’m very sorry you had to go through this, and I’m glad I follow your blog! Thank you for sharing.
I’ve always believed in you. I’m glad you see now what we see. xoxo
Alison recently posted…Mothering Twins: What It’s Really Like
I’m glad that part of your goal is to show your children that happiness comes from within.
I’m even gladder that you’re proving it to yourself first.
Keep filling that tank, E.
We’re all here cheering you on while you do.
julie gardner recently posted…This Is Really Happening
This makes me both happy and sad. I wonder when we really stop believing in ourselves. It seems kids know they can do anything and then as they get older the doubt starts to creep in. Then again, I’m not sure I ever really believed in myself. Maybe because of the dyslexia or my family (too realistic to be 100% supportive). Either way, sometimes that belief comes back around again. I’m beginning to feel it now. And I’m so glad that you are feeling it. It is amazing the strength that you get going through such hardships. Coal under tremendous pressure becomes a diamond. Gold it tested in fire to come out stronger on the other side. And you will be stronger after this too.
Continued prayers and good wishes for you, Elaine!
Kat recently posted…Welcome to Wisconsin
We’re in your corner, and we believe in you! I’m glad you do now, too. <3
I believe in you. We all get leaks in the tank sometimes, but we just have to keep filling them back up. We’re worth it. And those that love us can only benefit from us being at our best.
Kim recently posted…In Defense of Mr. Nice Guy
I love this. And I definitely believe in you!
I can so relate to this. After my divorce I had a real problem with self-esteem and believing in myself. It gets better though. You learn that you are way more capable then you ever thought. I love your writing!
You’re absolutely right. My kids are certain that they’re the best at everything – even if they’ve never done it before. Why does that sort of confidence have to die? Your situation sucks in so many ways, but life doesn’t have to suck, too. I believe that you can handle this – and more. You’re more resilient than you think.
Leslie recently posted…{Outnumbered} The Realities of Having Three Kids
I believe in you. I hope that helps. xoxo
Yes to all! Love this as it’s the theme of the whole post, in my opinion: “I want to believe in my picture.”
Nina recently posted…Holy Moly! I’m at On Being!
—-So happy that you will be filling your tank back up.
Don’t allow the leaks from those negative people.
Surround yourself w/ all those who “BUILD” you up!!!!
My Inner Chick recently posted…A Letter To My Dead Sister
This is so beautifully written. I would definitely feel shaken and a little terrified to start over, but I would pull my bootstraps up and stick it to the man. I’d be determined to get along just fine without him and you can definitely do it!
Kat recently posted…The Irish Julep!
*Standing up and cheering!!!!* You rock. Seriously. Love you.
Kristin Shaw recently posted…Weekend Favorites, February 14
Hi Elaine! I’m coming over from the Christian Women Bloggers Unite. I just joined today.
I read something recently that said we all should be hanging around people who lift us up, and believe in us. I’m thinking you would heartily agree with that. I know when I am not with people who can see any potential in me, instead of feeling stronger, I start to believe their vision. Ugh. Not good.
I know you can be whatever you decide you can do. Go for it! Be a lawyer, figure out the TV (and then let us all know how you did it), or whatever you are called to do. Yes ma’am. You CAN do it!
Blessings,
Ceil