I told myself to breathe long, deep breaths and pray my prayer that all would go well and smoothly. And so I did – over and over. The nurse told me it was time and I gave her my best puppy dog eyes. I knew the next step – my least favorite part of this way to have a baby. I began to think I even liked the recovery more than this.
I leaned over and put my arms around her neck just as she instructed. I began to pray my prayer again but then my mind drifted away, forcing me to remember why I was even here in this room to begin with…
It all goes back to that first delivery, when I made the decision to be induced and my baby boy was not making his way out. His heart-rate dropped. I cried. I did not want to be cut open. That was not the plan.
And so I pushed and I pushed and he had to have even more help to come out, enough so that we were both scarred. In the end both my baby and I were alright but it took months, maybe even years in some ways. My decision seemed all wrong. My life as a mother had a pretty rough start. It was not supposed to feel or be this way.
I internalized so much of it. I shook it off. I chose to have my next baby come in an O.R., as well as this baby, the third, my little girl…
I lay down on the table and soon after my love walked in the room, fully clad in hospital scrubs. He looked down at me, his eyes glistening, and asked if I was ready to meet our baby girl and I smiled up at him. I knew I was.
My doctor spoke and let me know that he was starting. And in that moment, right then and there, I forgave myself. I did it for my first baby, for my second and for my third. I did it for my husband and for myself. I forgave. I had to do it so that I could carry on.
As the peace of my own forgiveness filled my heart, I heard her first cries. Just moments after that I saw her face for the first time, the baby that rounded out our family – the baby that brought forgiveness with her.
And I was saved.
This week’s prompt is about forgiveness. Forgiving others, forgiving yourself. Write about a time of forgiveness.
Oh yes, you must forgive yourself. Nothing really to forgive. You have beautiful kids and that is all that matters.
I think as women, forgiving *ourselves* for a less-than-perfect birth experience may be one of the hardest things ever, and I congratulate you for being to accomplish that! It takes a strong woman to do what’s best for her baby, even though it’s not what she actually wants for herself.
I was a a little confused at the transition from having the spinal put it (I assume that’s what was happening and you weren’t just hugging a nurse!) to the OR… I put it together as I got to the end, but I think that’s as much from my own experience w/ c-section as the writing, if that makes sense.
I love that you say Baby K “brought forgiveness with her” it just conjurs up a really lovely image for me.
Great post, thanks for sharing it!
PS: And yes, the 50mm is a fab lens! 🙂
What a special moment… and I concur with Lizz, the 50mm is a WONDERFUL lens!
I love the story, but some of your sentences run a little long for me. I get lost in them with the ‘ands.’ Like this: I told myself to breathe long, deep breaths and pray my prayer that all would go well and smoothly, and so I did – over and over. I had to go back and re-read it, so it pulled me out of the story.
I was also a bit confused at the transition from present delivery to past delivery.
I love the last line. Such an image of how children can save us.
Great job!
Bobbi
What a powerful ending…succinct, charged with emotion.
I found myself wanting to know more about the first delivery when you transitioned into the operating room.
The whole piece makes me want to go hug my daughter. 🙂
I love the vulnerability of this post.
The birth experience is such an intimate, emotional thing. We have expectations that can’t possibly play out the way we hope they will, as there are so many elements.
Early in my pregnancy with Matthew, we had placenta previa and I was devastated. I fell apart and my midwife kept repeating, “what matters most is healthy baby, healthy mommy.” The previa cleared up, but those words carried me through such a tough time.
Forgiving yourself is a beautiful thing…a necessary thing.
Your final line, “the baby that brought forgiveness with her” is lovely.
That photo is stunning. What a beautiful baby!
Love this post. I had 3 c-sections, and I was left feeling very guilty and not good enough as a woman & mother after the first one especially.
Your daughter is beautiful!
Wow, Elaine. It with stories like this that you learn not to judge others when they have different experiences than your own. I’m so glad that she brought you peace. You have a beautiful family and they are all healthy and happy…and in the end that is what’s important. ((hugs))
Oh hon – first of all, aren’t you glad you got the 1.4? Beautiful. I cannot wait to see all of the beauty you will capture.
Your story is poignant. Beautiful. Healthy baby/healthy mama..we all need to remember those words. I am glad you forgave. You have a beautiful family.
xo
She’s gorgeous. And yes, I relate to not “doing it right” when it comes to having our babies. What foolishness. All that matters is having a beautiful son or daughter.
That moment with your husband is so tender and pure. I adore it.
Oh, precious!
Steph
What a beautiful, beautiful post. Just perfect. And that last picture to go with it? Awesome. What an angel!
What a beautiful from the heart post, one that made me stop and think. As mothers, we are so hard on ourselves. We freely give grace and forgiveness to others- why not ourselves?
Great post, Elaine. I had 2 c-sections and, like you, it wasn’t the birth plan I had expected. You did a great job showing us a lot in a few paragraphs. Made me think back to that OR room myself.
What a gorgeous baby.
Giving birth is emotional, exhausting, and personal.
Thank you for sharing this.
Oh, this was lovely. I liked this topic as a take on the prompt – it’s the kind of thing nobody else blames us for, but is so hard to forgive in ourselves.
I especially like the way that you showed that you needed that forgiveness from yourself in order to make your family whole.
TRDC
We are so hard on ourselves as moms! It is to bad it took you to your 3rd pregnancy to forgive yourself for the way the first one went, but I could see how.
I love this: Just a few minutes later I saw her face for the first time, the baby that rounded out our family – the baby that brought forgiveness with her.
And I was saved.
Such a sweet visual to have a baby that brought forgiveness.
How beautiful. How touching. How emotional it must have been for you to write. Thank you for sharing. It’s so well said. Being a mom, recognizing the importance of that, no matter how baby gets to join us in this world, is what is most important. I’m so glad you forgave yourself, as only you could and you could be the only one holding it against yourself. I’m glad you’re no longer in that place.
wow – beautifully written. sometimes forgiving ourselves is harder than forgiving those around us.
I love reading birth stories and this one was no exception. It really does all come down to expectations, doesn’t it?
I loved the way you entwined all 3 of your stories. if eel the same way about one. Each puzzle-piecing into the other, making our family whole. *Sigh* Love them.
I think that lines like this one speak all mothers’ truths: “I internalized so much of it. I shook it off.”
I want you to know that I heard your story today. And that I, of course, adore that photo!
I get this. I wanted to “have” my baby so badly and when the doctor told me I couldn’t I was crushed. I had so many complications throughout the pregnancy that I knew it would probably happen, but I hated it. Thankfully by the time came for me to have her I was just so ready to get her out that I didn’t care anymore. We can’t change our bodies. We just have to do the best we can.
Beautiful Elaine! This reminds me why I used to blog (’cause I sure don’t anymore!). Great bit of writing and a great bit of your heart.
And the 50mm lense is my fave! Great shot of your beautiful girl.
I love that it is forgiveness but in a very happy way since it tied into completing your family.
It wasn’t the birth experience you imagined before you had any kids, but the end result is far better than anything you could have imagined. I understand how hard it is when your birth experience wasn’t the one you hoped for, but when you look at what you’ve got now, none of that matters in the end. Great post.
Simply beautiful..while you shouldn’t have to forgive yourself, I think that’s one of the top things we have to do as moms..because it’s necessary all the time.
My only was a c-section. And her 2 were also. We, and you are no less mother’s than any other.
You described your experience and feelings well.
oh honey. thank you for sharing this part of your history with us. Im glad that you experienced healing through her birth, and she is beautiful!