I have to turn on the t.v. because it’s just too quiet without them here. I have it on mostly just for background noise, occasionally I really watch. This helps my brain pretend that it’s not just me and the dog in the house. Or something like that.
There are a million things I could do, like clean out my closet, or one of theirs. Go for a run or bake something then eat it. Or both. I could clean the house from top to bottom or read a book or a magazine. I could start writing the book I think I may publish someday. Or at least the outline. I could call a friend or family member or take a nap. I could meet a friend for a drink or go get a pedicure. I could take myself out to dinner or to a movie.
And I have done many of these things.
But sometimes it is just easier to stay here and do “nothing”. Some days that is all I have the energy for, frankly. Grappling with all these feelings and emotions and unrealized dreams is tiring enough at times.
A friend or two of mine have heard about how I have “all this time” to myself and mentioned that it “sounds nice” and I won’t lie, the occasional break is good but it is also a reminder that it isn’t supposed to be this way. At least not in my mind. My kids are supposed to be with both of their parents and I am not supposed to feel lonely. I am supposed to feel loved and protected and wanted.
And even though those were not feelings I had all the time, and especially recently in my marriage, they were there at times, and now they are not there at all. Just like my kids, when they are at their dad’s house. Gone. Not here.
I have been advised to take this time for myself and reflect, figure out what I want out of the rest of my life but really it’s just a lot easier to watch HGTV with a glass of wine on the side table. One morning I wake up with a new resolve to be happy and full of joy, despite my current situation but then on another day, reality hits at the sound of my alarm and here I am, in bed alone again, wishing things had turned out differently.
I imagine it is a bit like when a spouse dies. I am grieving in some similar ways. The death of a marriage is quite sad in its own right. Seeing him in person is kind of like seeing a ghost in a way – he’s different than the man I married. And although not a true apparition, I cannot touch him like I used to. I cannot feel for him how I did before. We cannot be one, we live in different realms. We no longer walk in sync.
And all over the house I inhabit alone (when the kids are gone) are reminders of him and the life we had together. Most of the photographs are gone or sit in closed books, however other things remain. Like “his” sink that goes unused in the master bathroom. Or the rug we liked and decided on together… the matching nightstands that he insisted we buy and are now covered in only my books and things.
So my alone time consists of me trying to fill the minutes with things I enjoy and will make me not sit and wallow. I do the best I can not to miss them too much when they are gone but going into their bathroom and catching the scent of their kid shampoo makes it harder. I tidy their rooms and do their laundry. I buy them snacks I know they will like upon their return. I close my eyes and imagine their beautiful faces. I pray for them and ask God’s protection of them. I wait for them to come home.
And I snuggle the dog and feed him popcorn and think about cleaning out my closet. Maybe someday.
This makes a lot of sense and sounds really hard.
anna whiston-donaldson recently posted…Baby Shower!
I’m so sorry, Elaine. I’m sure it’s nice for a while, but when it’s not a choice, there’s got to be so much of the time that’s just really hard.
Greta recently posted…Five. Already. For Real This Time.
Sending love your way. I know, without question, you will come through this stronger and shining and beautiful, but those hard moments? You deserve to know they’re real and true as well.
It’s all so hard. One thing that I felt made mine *slightly* easier in some ways is the fact that I left or house, so I don’t have those constant memories. And I’ll admit that for at least 6 months, I really wasn’t up to much beyond netflix marathons when I had my alone time. 🙂 I didn’t have the energy to read (my old standby) or do any of the million house projects I’d pinned. And I decided all of that was okay!
This sounds so hard yet you have explained it beautifully. Your writing is painful yet clear, one of the things that I have admired about you in this situation from the start. I imagine every day is an unknown, and that is so difficult.
Andrea recently posted…The Most Important Lesson for Teens
The clarity with which you write is inspiring. It sounds so very hard, especially because it’s inconsistent, hitting now and then even though the pain is constant. I’m sorry.
You are able to share your truth with such beauty.
(For the record, I vote *start writing the book you think you might one day publish.*)
XO
julie gardner recently posted…An Abundance of Coincidence
If you said that you were happy all the time I’d be worried. Divorce just flat out sucks, for all involved. I’m sure that it will get easier someday. For now I just hope you’re able to find some joy over the Easter weekend. {{Hugs}}
Leslie recently posted…It’s Good to Be Quirky
Love you, Elaine. Beautiful and you capture the way it comes in waves. The waves will be less forceful, you will be stronger in them, and I can only tell you that because I didn’t drown. The shit part is, to be a stronger swimmer, navigate this new ocean, you have to live in it a bit,get a feel for you. Know you are not ever alone on this journey, although of course it’s yours, mine was different, they all are. But there is so much love coming your way, so much. XOXO
I want to curl up on that couch with you, eat popcorn and drink wine and just BE with you- in it. You captured this loneliness and ray of hope beautifully- and my heart aches for you and hopes for you at the same time. I love that you are listening to yourself and pacing yourself and honoring where you are without any pressures to do ‘more’ than manage each moment and each day as it comes. Keep healing, my friend. It takes time, patience and a whole lotta prayer. I think strength is always lurking somewhere within all of our lives, waiting to unexpectedly surprise us when we need it most. I see yours and I hope you do too. <3
Chris Carter recently posted…It’s The Little Things…