Tired.

One tear falls down my cheek as I look over at my almost empty wine glass.  I decide if I even want the last sip and my brain says, “why waste it?”  So I grab the glass and let the rest of the red liquid slide down my throat.

I’m tired.  If I looked in a mirror right this moment it would be written ALL over my face. T.I.R.E.D.

I just finished watching Downton Abbey and have not talked to my husband all evening, while he is still out of town.  I cannot seem to get a hold of him.  I worry.

I figure he probably went back to his hotel and fell asleep after a long few days of traveling and traversing the country but I still want so desperately to hear his oh-so-familiar voice and he just will not pick up the phone.

I try to tell myself that he is fine, everything is fine.

It’s quiet when I turn off the television, the kids are all alseep, clean and ready for a new week to begin.  Another day of their young lives is gone. Another day of running and playing and t.v. watching and “he hit me!”s and “I love you”s.

I think about how it’s a big, no REALLY big, job to do this parent gig alone.  Even if it just for a few days, there you are, with no one else to help you bathe them, tuck them in, feed them, console them.

I ponder what it would really be like to be a single parent.  How terrifically hard it would be…

But I cannot let myself go there.  Why am I even thinking about this?

Where is my husband?

I hope again in my head that he is tucked into his hotel bed, soundly sleeping.

I go to my room to get ready for bed and more tears fall as I brush my teeth.  What if?  What if something has happened to him?

Surely he is fine.

These thoughts are on repeat, over and over in my head.

Why didn’t he tell me which hotel he was staying at?  Next time he better tell me which hotel he is staying at…

I call several to no avail.

Why am I so worried?

Because I miss him.  I do miss him so.

He’s my partner in all this and I miss my partner.

I try to remind myself that there are people who do this for months at a time.  But I don’t want to be one of those people. Ever.

Finally the phone rings back after I hang up from my 9th attempt.

He’s fine, he fell asleep while watching the Super Bowl.

He was just so TIRED.

My tears flow freely, I am so happy to hear him again.  So happy for him to say “I love you.  I’ll be home tomorrow, baby.”

And now I can sleep.  And he can sleep.

Until tomorrow…

Comments

  1. So glad you got in touch with him. It’s so hard and truly tiring to have those feelings. To be lonely and without your partner. Luckily he’s coming home and you guys will be hanging out again soon!

  2. I know how you feel! No matter how I try, I always get worried when I contact my husband or my kids! Don’t know why, when God has always, never fail, taken care of all my family! But then when I worry, I pray. That’s my excuse! :^) patsy

  3. Oh hon. It must have been so hard!
    My husband and I have a pact – when he travels, he emails me a copy of his flight itinerary, his hotel check-in details, and he has to call or text when he arrives at his destination, and we make arrangements then for the next check-in phone call/ text/ online chat.
    So glad your night ended well. xo

  4. This was written so well. It is so hard when they are out of town. Glad you were able to get in touch with him.

  5. Oh, I have been there! Just a couple weeks ago, actually, and like you, I realized I didn’t have his hotel info. Once I finished crying, then yelling, I semi-calmly asked him to send me hotel info and contact info for some other people he works with. Then I not-so-calmly told him he could never, ever leave again without giving me detailed info!

    I think cell phones give us such a false sense of security that we forget about things like hotel contact info, etc. And like you, I was so, so tired from a week of keeping the kids alive (and happy, and loved), that my brain quickly went to a dangerous place.

    So glad your night ended with some rest, but sorry you had to feel that worry. It’s no fun!

  6. My husband travels a lot, too. And I SO get this. I drive myself crazy going between thoughts of him being seriously injured or doing something I REALLY don’t want him doing… when in all reality, he’s usually just fast asleep.

  7. Oh I start to worry immediately too when my husband doesn’t pick up the phone. He’s on Twitter now so we can at least DM when he can’t talk, but the silences of waiting are so hard.

  8. Isn’t it amazing how our minds drive us to places that just aren’t. With the husband deployed I never make calls, I guess in my world no news is good news.

  9. I know this feeling. I hate when John travels, cause I feel the same way and I always tell myself that some people parent on their own everyday, or their hubs travel for really long periods of time and I don’t know how they do it. Hugs.

  10. Oh, Elaine. I’ve been on both sides…the husband that didn’t come home, and the one that travels a lot. I know exactly how you felt. With him and the kids. It’s so hard.

  11. Oh, Elaine. I’ve been on both sides…the husband that didn’t come home, and the one that travels a lot. I know exactly how you felt. With him and the kids. It’s so hard.

  12. I do this. Bad. David can just be late home from work and I’ll imagine him in an accident on the side of the road and before I know it I’m spiraling out of control. Worry is so malicious.

  13. Awww. I know. I worry all the time. It’s kinda what I do. I wish my head didn’t do that to me so much, but it does.
    This was a lovely post, Elaine!

    -And God bless single parents everywhere!!!!

  14. My husband travels a lot. I always miss him but for some reason I don’t worry like I used to. I think since my girls are older and keep me so busy that my brain doesn’t have time to go there too much. I’m sorry you had such a rough night. I hope you are enjoying him being home tonight! ;-)

  15. I’ve been on the other side, where there wasn’t a partner to lean on or to miss or to help out, and it was so very hard. I’m sorry you had a rough night. I hope you’re enjoying it and smiling more now that he is home!

  16. This is so familar to me and my husband doesn’t really travel. I just don’t like it when I can’t get a hold of him. I too worry.

    Beautiful post.

  17. I get this, with every fiber of my being, I do. Love you. xo