My marriage was supposed to work out. It was supposed to be the marriage of all marriages. It was going to last forever and yes, have it’s ups and downs, but we, as a unit, were going to get through all those downs. There would be romance and love and hearts most of the time. There would be forgiveness and sacrifice and kind words as much as humanly possible. There would be “us”, always.
As it turns out, that did not happen. Yes, we did have most of those things listed above, at the beginning and even towards the middle, but in the end, and after many counseling sessions, we simply could not conquer them all. And as it turns out, we are fundamentally different people. So, even after 20 years as a couple, we could not tackle it all and carry on as one.
My story is similar to many people’s. Many women in fact. The man I married no longer exists and well, the woman he married does not either. But it’s not only about the fact we both changed, it is also about the level of commitment. I won’t say whose I feel was more…
I NEVER EVER expected to be a divorcee. EVER. This was not part of my plan, of course. Find me someone who gets married to get divorced and I am afraid I may judge them a little.
But no one else knows what really went on behind these four walls. No one walked in my shoes or cried my tears or hollered the same exact words as me, in anger and frustration. I was trying so very hard to make it work out, wishing for easy solutions to our big problems.
One of my main worries in all of this is what other people will think.
However, I also realize no one knows my story unless I outright tell them. They do not know that we tried REALLY hard to make it work. They do not know that we are doing the best we can at co-parenting, and pretty much rocking it compared to most. They do not know how much it all hurts. Some just hear “the D word” and instantly judge.
Sometimes I walk in the neighborhood at night, alone, when the kids are with their dad. I can see into the neighbor’s windows and many of them I know, but some I do not. I can see a few families in their kitchens or dining rooms, going about their evening rituals. I wonder how happy they are. We looked happy from the outside but my marriage had troubles for years.
Perhaps the families I see while out and about are on their second marriage, maybe they are a blended family; when I see kids of varying ages I wonder. Perhaps their first marriages were horrible or not so bad for them but for the other partner. Maybe it is there first marriage but they are terribly unhappy and wish they could get out, but cannot for whatever reason.
I have no idea unless we are friends or family and they have told me the whole story.
All I am saying is, please do not judge a divorce situation. Unless you are living it or have lived it, you do not know. And the reality is, everyone’s story is different and comes with heartache that was likely never expected in the beginning…