Before the day I found out I was pregnant with K I thought a lot about having another baby. And I mean A LOT. I’ve always pictured myself as a mother of three. I’m not sure why, I just have.
But truthfully, about the time that she came to be, I was resigned to being a mother of two. I was good with it – or was at least getting there. But apparently He had other plans. And I’m so, SO good with that.
These days I do not think about having any more children. We are finished building our family and I’m great with that. I do not have that same longing that I had before K was born. For whatever reason(s) those feelings just don’t exist anymore.
The other night I was with several of my ‘mom’ friends and we went around the table talking about who still wanted more children and I was moved to tears by one of my friends’ response. She said that when she gets the kids ready to go somewhere she feels like someone is still missing. And she takes that as a sign to have another.
We teased her and said maybe she’s just needs a dog. But I personally think there is (obviously!) much more to it than that, not just for my friend but for many mothers out there.
All this to say, that as I click around the internet and see many pregnant blog friends, and even see my friends IRL that are “with child”, I do have “pangs”. They tell me that being pregnant and growing a human is such an amazing, wonderful thing and the fact that I’ll never do that amazing, wonderful thing again kinda hurts my heart. That the feeling of a little one moving inside of me is a thing of the past.
They also remind me that I’ll never again have that moment where I first meet the tiny, soft human being that I harbored in my belly for nine months. That I will not have the chance to take in that sweet newborn smell as I snuggle them close to my chest.
But when I get these feelings I also remember how truly blessed I am to have my three healthy, happy children and I have the memories of all of those things with them. And those will forever be mine to hold dear and tight in my heart.
And I’m sure as time passes those “pangs” will become fewer and fewer and when I see a pregnant friend I’ll just be so happy that she is experiencing all those amazing, wonderful things herself.
Although I may want to touch her baby belly. But I promise to ask first.